Song from WES: InTeRnEt HeLpDeSk

October 7, 2006

Song from Wes: Internet Helpdesk

To Listen this song… Click Here

  • WES: Hi, you must be the new trainee. No no, don’t get up. Let me just get my headset on here. (PUTS ON HEADSET) I’ll be showingyou the ropes around here. It’s a tough gig, the Internet help desk. I mean, I figure, in our society you’ve got your four major lines ofdefense: police, fire, ambulance, Internet help desk. Air TrafficControllers think they have the most stressful job, ha. But, I’ll tellyou, nothing gets you jazzed on an adrenaline buzz like helping someoneconfigure their ADSL preferences correctly even though their running a386 with windows 3.1 and 6 megs of RAM. Oh, just a second. (TOHEADPHONE) Internet help desk, thank you for calling, one of ourtechnical analysts will be with you shortly, please hold? (TO KID) OK, so that’s the first lesson. (INDICATES MUTE SWITCH) The Holdbutton. That’s your best friend. It’s your panic button, your savior,your teddy bear and your Mommy’s teat all rolled into one. Always putthem on hold, right off the bat. Show’s ‘em who’s boss. Takes some ofthe fight out of them. (TO PHONE) Your call is important to us, pleasecontinue to hold. (TO KID) Which is important, because when they can’tfigure out what their mouse is or they confuse the CD ROM for a drinkholder, and they start to realize what an idiot they are, they aregoing to be venting on you. But don’t worry. I’ll have you up tospeed in no time. I’m an old pro, I’m a vet. I’ve been here 8 months,which, in Internet Time is about 25 years. I’m Jordy Laforge, andyou’re Wesley Crusher. I’m C3P0, and you’re R2D2. But don’t gothinking you’re R2D2, kiddo. You ain’t no R2D2… yet. (TO PHONE) Internet help desk. Thanks for holding. How can I help you? Uh huh…(makes cucoo faces)… oh my… I see… You can’t get your email. Can yoube more specific. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, that does soundserious. Could you hold please?(Long hold… whistle and noodle about)(off hold) Alright, first off are you configured for OutlookExpress, or for Netscape Navigator? You don’t know. Well, if you lookat the upper-right hand corner of your screen what do you see? You seenothing. Just black. Ok, I’m sorry – My fault, I’m talking about whenthe computer’s on. It’s not? Well, let’s go ahead and turn it on. (TO KID) The guy’s got more computer power on his desk than existed onthe entire planet up until 1979 and he needs me to tell him to turn iton.(UNMUTE) Ok, so have you booted the computer? What? No, don’tactually kick it, sorry, my fault… What I meant was, Is the shiny tvscreen part on and full of little pictures and stuff? Ok, good.
    Do you have your original windows installation CD? Uh huh. A boxsomewhere, huh? Well, at this point I’m going to advise you to go getthat… Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, that willbe difficult. Yes. Well, I’d advise you to crawl then. That’s whythey call it a crawlspace. (TO KID) He’s going to be a while. Ah. Ifeel sorry for the civilians, kid. Really I do. They don’t know howto get on the Internet, they don’t know why they want to get onto the Internet, they don’t even know whatthe internet is. They just want to be on it. So they pop down toFuture Shop and buy the most overpriced piece of crap the salesman cansoak them for, and suddenly they realize they’re lost in the middle ofthe dark continent of technology, with only me as their guide. I’mtheir shaman. In ancient time people couldn’t control the weather, sothey called the Shaman. Now people can’t control their computers sothey call me. I could tell ‘em to blow smoke up their USB port andthey’d do it. Hey! Don’t touch that! That’s my Dilbert deskcalender. You go looking through the cartoons for tomorrow, today,then how will you find the strength to go on tomorrow morning when yousit down to lead Joe Moron through cleaning the porno out of hisInternet Explorer History cache before his wife gets home? Jeez! Havesome discipline. (TO PHONE) Yes. Hello, I’m still here. You haveit? Excellent. Alright, now, are you in front of the computer? Good. Now read me the name of the thingee that you double-click on toget your email. Outlook Express? Good. Take the mouse and doubleclick on that. No, it’s not going to cut us off. I know we’re on thephone, but we don’t have to actually connect to the internet to changeyour settings, it will give you an error message.
    Yes. Please calm down. I told you it would give an error message. It’s not a personal affront sir, it’s just a message. Just click“cancel”. Ok, good. Now, click on Tools… now go down to Accounts andclick. Now click on Mail, then the blue text, then properties…
    What? No. “Tools”… It’s at the top. Yes. Click on that. No, clickon it. What do you mean? Office? No, I didn’t want you to runOffice, I said Outlook Express. No, Microsoft is a company, not a…What? Illegal instruction? Wow, Office must be pooched. No, youhaven’t broken any laws… it’s just crashed because… What you need to… No… don’t unplug it… just…(punches the chair)Ok, ok… well, uh… plug it back in then…… No, I won’t tell the police…

    (to Kid) He unplugged it. We are dealing with a serious 12 o’clockflasher here kid. You know what a 12 o’clock flasher is don’t you? Every appliance in the house is always flashing 12 o’clock becausethey’re too stupid to set it. There’s no hope teaching a 12 o’clockflasher anything. Time to move to plan b.

    (to customer) Sir? Sir. Do you have a child around the house? You do? How old is she? Nine? Ok, could you put her on please? Thank you.

    (to kid) Check this out.

    (to customer) Hi there, who am I speaking with? Beth? What gradeare you in, Beth? Grade 4? Wow. Do you like school? Good for you,Beth. Ok, Beth, here’s the thing. Your daddie really needs hisOutlook Express configured to use the 3rd party dialer instead of LANor whatever it’s set to now… yeah, could you change it for him? ThanksBeth… oh and while you’re at it, you wanna check that his smtp addressis correct? Ok, thanks Beth. Oh and Beth? If I were you, the nexttime his computer stops ‘working’, tell your daddy it’s broken and togive it to you to play with, then send him out to buy an iMac. It’s acomputer especially built for idio… for mommies and daddies. Ok Beth,bye bye.

    Hangs up

    (to Kid) That poor poor poor computer. God, it just tears me upthat people like that are allowed to own a computer. It just kills me.

    (LOOKS AT WATCH) Ok look, I’ll leave you to it. Go ahead and takeyour first call. Get dirty. I’m going for a smoke, but if anyone asks,I’m taking a dump. Good luck. And remember, you are God. You are theall seeing, all knowing digital Shaman of the global village. If youdon’t know what to do, blame Microsoft and send them back to the storethey bought it from. You’ll be alright. Just keep your head up, yourmouse arm loose. Oh, and stay away from the porn sites between calls,they check.

    Note: Given here are the lyrics of some of my favorite celebrities songs WES. As far as I know i m not doing any business from Wes Songs i m sharing songs. No copyright infringement is intended. If you think that there is any violation of any rights, please let me know and I shall immediately remove the song(s) from here.

    • Posted by Bala Filed in Daily, Funz, HP-UX, Intel, Linux, Microsoft, Sun Solaris, SysAdmin, Techie Stuff !, Windowz
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